I should just think about school rather than be all emo, honestly

So, where can I possibly start?

Thing is, I’m feeling like an emo middle school kid again nowadays. I don’t actually have anything wrong with my life (leave myself being a drama queen as always) but at the same time I feel like I have many to introspect.

God, how do I explain this?

I have been feeling insecure and so much inferior to other people these days. Probably triggered by some incidents which I obviously won’t write here. You know how it feels to think all negatively about yourself yet you don’t have any idea how to fix it? Yeah, that’s exactly what I’m feeling right now.

I feel, or rather, realize, that I’m ugly. In and out. To be honest. I’ve even been told, or implicitly told  that I’m physically ugly by some people. This is not even a secret anymore. So I try to compensate what I lack in by excelling at other things like academic stuffs and personality. Yet I realize the more things I achieve, the more conceited I get, and more people actually look down on me and hate me.

I am a hypocrite. That’s also what I think about myself. And it is true. 

I talk about being confident is important, yet I am not confident at the slightest bit.

I talk about how inner beauty is what matters yet I have no inner beauty (or outer, for that matter).

I talk about being true to yourself yet I am fake, both to myself and other people.

I am just a loud girl with bold opinions whom people can never take too seriously. Everyone’s out of my league. I don’t even know how my future will be. My plans are all imaginary. 

A not beautiful, not smart, not nice girl, whom everyone seems to like yet secretly dislikes. 

It’s funny how a 21-year-old can still feel this lost.

I just cannot hate myself more than this. Good night.

PS: Just kidding, lol. Don’t mind me :D

Gosh, I shouldn’t be writing when feeling down. It will just torture people and make them uncomfortable.

Let’s see if I’ll delete this post tomorrow.

Real World

Not everyone, if not no one, is rational. Not everyone thinks whether what they’re doing is destroying themselves, reducing their efficiency, or leading them unproductive. Not everybody cares only about themselves, though in a way they do, since they care more about something when they can relate to it. 

People say, ‘don’t judge’ but to be truly honest, we can’t not judge. What determines our level of decency as a human is how we choose to react regarding to it. You can choose to act upon it by inflicting pain on others or even helping them. Or you can choose to educate yourself more to probably get a better judgment.

Human is an emotionalcreature. We choose to be stupid most of the times. We can criticize something to death while closing our eyes and refusing to see other things as important. Ah but we’re actually still rational, since the things we criticize are mostly still related to our interest, no matter how we claim that they’re not.

Confusing, right? I’m confused, too. Maybe human is simply an opportunist. Even conscience can be biased nowadays. And although I’m a human myself, I’m kinda sick of it. 

People who claim they act by heart, sometimes give exceptions to those whom they consider as undeserving of their mercy and holy love. Ironic? I do think that, yes, what an irony.

Of Exchange Programs and Mundane Life

I promised myself to write something after two long exhausting weeks of midterm exams :D So here I am, writing something to relieve the stress.

I don’t actually have anything to write but my own mundane life lol

Where should I start?

Uhm, so at the start of the new term I applied for Erasmus program, a student exchange program between universities in European countries. I don’t exactly have any reasons why I want be an exchange student (especially when I’m already a foreign student myself :D) but since I accidentally told my parents about it, they got excited and told me to go. As something bad always happens when I deny my parents, I didn’t have any choices but to be a filial child and apply.

The process is not as hard as it seems though. First you need your transcripts and you also need to join an English proficiency exam. Then, they will grade all students who apply in each faculty (50% GPA, 50% proficiency test) and take the qualified ones based on the quotas. There are approximately 20 places to fill in my department and thank God, I am chosen to be one of them and I get to study in my first choice of university in Germany next term though another struggle (technical stuffs like consulting professor about classes, getting visa, etc) is still in front of my eyes, waiting to be overcome :D

As they always say, human can not be a human (you know, like the philosophical meaning of human lol, does anyone even get me? XD) if they don’t learn. I’m in an endless process of learning many new things myself.

Nowadays I try to learn to understand why some particular people do some particular things, the reasons behind them, nature of some people and their inclinations, or life itself. I basically try to learn everything that can ease my heart every time it feels a bit uncomfortable.

Some things never really change though. My friends think I still get upset over unreasonable things (but I never think of them as unreasonable, period) like slightly-below-initial-target grades. What most people don’t understand is, I get upset over them only to be harsher to myself since I’m a firm believer of “I get what I deserve”. 

And why are my best friends here attractive? I want to be attractive, too >:( It’s super awkward when some guy comes to you and your friends and you are left out just like that because the guy only attempts to flirt with your friend(s). No matter how hard I try to be prettier, nothing really works on me. I’m still physically far from attractive and I guess I will only have to deal with that (unless I take a drastic decision like having a plastic surgery, which I obviously won’t do XD) and make my personality more bearable to other people instead. Nobody gets to have everything, after all. If I’m not pretty on the outside, at least I can work on being relatively pretty inside :D

My love life is a failure, period. it is basically nonexistent and it’s not like I really crave for a boyfriend. I need to polish myself intellectually and mentally more and more first to deserve a good guy that hopefully will be my company in the future because honestly speaking, I’m still so far from my own standard of a great woman :p

I also have some things that get on my nerves these days: People thinking that they’re some geniuses by being critical while in fact they’re just talking nonsense and spreading unnecessary hatred. I won’t even start with anti-this-community or anti-that-community, or even the newest one, anti-Kartini-day lmao. I just hope that one day they will understand whether what they’re doing is right without karma trying to get back at them first.


For the first time in my life I am feeling very thankful for the existence of technology. Were it not for it, I wouldn’t be this comfortable getting my daily dose of energy mostly provided by my mom. God knows how much I miss her and I sincerely hope she will always be happy and healthy. I still have a lot to do to make her and my dad happy. You know the feeling when you’re feeling down and them saying “We love you” makes your day instantly get better? :)

Anyway, I’ll be back in Indonesia in inshaAllah two months time. I can’t wait to meet my family and hang out with my best friends. Gizem will probably come to Indonesia in around August, too. Am too excited to show the beautiful country where I grew up to my best friend of another nation :D (Aylarochka, seni de mezun oldugum yilda beklerim Endonezya’da :D )

For anyone who unfortunately comes across this post and reads it, thank you. This is not important but I’m still naively hoping somebody will read this :D 

See you next time, people ^-^


PS 2 : :P



*kimheenim: Amusement Park

*aohsuehfu: we are at a amusement park


(Source: heechul-ssi)

Twitter and Youtube Bans

So after the Turkish Government officially blocked twitter a week ago, they have apparently added YouTube to their blacklist just today.

Guys, I’m now staying in Turkey and as much as I want to move to a faraway country, I still have two years before completing my studies. That’s why I want to let people know that this is now really happening here. Twitter ban, YouTube ban, not to mention the websites that have been in their blacklist for a quite while. We are here worried that they will also block Facebook or other major social sites. There are also rumors that even Google will soon make it to the list. We are not sure whether these bans will be temporary or for good.

Anyway, I’m not here to ask you to fight for people in Turkey or anything. I just want to let you know that I am okay even if I am not found online on twitter or youtube or maybe soon facebook and even on tumblr ^^

I hope the government will come to their senses soon (were they not replaced :p).

Wish us luck guys ^^

Of Dad and Super Junior

It makes me feel slightly bad sometimes whenever my dad asks if I have stopped liking Super Junior while expecting me to answer yes XD

Because I’ll still probably say no for many years to come :D 

Maybe he thinks, "Ah okay, another year aboard, my daughter must have at least moved on from that Korean boyband."

Yet five years have passed, and thanks internet, I am still here having half of my laptop’s memory occupied by their videos. Dad should honestly stop expecting me to move on.  

It’s not like my dad is against me liking them (because out of all influences in my life, they’re one of those few who doesn’t really affect my grades and my other responsibilities), it’s more like he’s curious. He wants to know how long this (supposedly) temporary affection will last.

Should he also stop being curious as it will take a long time if not forever for him to find out? :D

Yeah I’m back with some boring updates :D


Hello. Anyone remembers me?

It’s been a while, hasn’t it? I haven’t been writing anything since Suju’s 8th anniversary last November and that is not without a reason. I’d been so caught up with school (like, what’s new?) until last month. Had a group project which I ended up doing alone, not that it really matters since I’m satisfied enough with the result. But the main reason I haven’t been writing is….. because I broke my laptop.

So as most of my family, friends, and even my blog readers have already noticed, I am terribly clumsy. I spoil almost everything I touch, especially when it comes to electronics. 

So to shorten the explanation, I myself don’t know how I managed to do this, but my laptop’s battery and its adapter broke down and to make it even worse, it broke down three days before the due day of my project (thankfully I’d already saved it in my phone so I could finish it using a friend’s laptop). 

*Recently I also cracked my phone’s screen but I can’t tell the details since that was a very painful experience >:(*

Anyway, I got a new laptop ^^ Big thanks to my parents who’ve been nothing but wonderful to such a child like me ^^

A month ago, I moved to a dorm which is almost an hour away from my campus. I don’t feel burdened though since I am finally able to save some money. Living in a flat proved to be a tough experience, especially if only two people bore all the rent costs and all the jazz ;_;

My new dorm is in another side of the city. In contrast to my old flat, my current dorm is located in a super quiet neighborhood with only a car or two passing when it’s past nine in the evening. The neighborhood might be uncrowded but the dorm itself, is packed. There are five blocks which ‘shelter’ approximately six hundred students each. However I cannot even complain since I don’t pay anything to stay here as I am under scholarship and the facilities are actually not bad. Rooms are not unreasonably small and we have 24/7 free and fast internet. There’s a laundry room and study room on each floor and that’s satisfying enough.

My roommates are all Crimean and Ukrainian. They are neat and they also seem nice (I don’t have a say on this since I’d only stayed with them for five days before they all left for holiday). They normally talk to each other in Ukrainian and Russian but they avoided to make me uncomfortable by talking in Turkish whenever I was around. So yeah, so far everything’s been good :D

I actually missed Aylar and Gizem so much since I’m so used to seeing their annoying faces, having stupid conversations, and hearing their ‘offfff’s and ‘askim’s daily. I met Gizem just some days before she left for holiday, we had some coffee and talked a bit. However, her last question to me was “Do you have something which you’re so obsessed with that you would give the world and overcome your limits for it?” that I could not answer immediately.

I was silent while thinking for an answer. It was difficult to contemplate such thing that I finally realized I have no such thing in my life. I am so comfortable with everything. I don’t really have long-term targets. I mean, I do school quite well, though not amazingly, and I try my best at everything but I really don’t know the reason I do them beside believing that they are the right thing to do as a responsible human being that I’m trying hard to be. I guess I’m so focused on not disappointing everyone (esp my parents) and I forget to think about what I want to do for myself. Well, I guess that’s life. I don’t think I am wrong for thinking this way and I am content enough to live for others :)

My GPA is actually surprising XD I don’t think I worked hard enough plus the classes were much harder compared to classes in the previous term. God still loves me I guess. Alhamdulillah :)

There is some life cycle that I don’t want to follow, but I still need to. I hate losing people that I love or I used to love, but I need to be not around them in order to keep my life on the right track. I still can’t hate anyone and it’s not like I want to. Sometimes, letting people go or slip away from your life is good for your mental health :D This is exactly what’s been happening in my life lately and I don’t regret it at the slightest. 

As I have written on my facebook : This term is gonna be hardcore!!

I am taking 40 out of 45 credits (my school uses ECTS, google if you have no clue and are curious!), I am applying for Erasmus program and I’m entrusted to be on the board of PPI Turki (Indonesian Students’ Association in Turkey). This situation is honestly ironic since I’ve always wanted to only focus on my study especially after I arrived in Turkey but my dad encouraged me to just give it a shot. So I will try to do my best. Wish me luck!

Oh my God what have I been writing? It sounds like a homework of a middle school student XD

Anyway good luck to everyone! Ready for school? Yiiihaaaa :D